The world... Life even, turns more unbearable, as I recall one of my earliest memories, the one where I cry myself to sleep.

Always silently, I would suffocate the sound of sobbing into the narrow room, in hope no one would ever see such a soft, weak, despicable side. How I hated it.. The thought that someone would ever find out my dark secret. A thing that shouldn't be a secret, that shouldn't be controllable, in certain ways, they were to me. My jaw would hurt for days, while it held on to all the screams i desperately wanted to release into the night, into the world, in hope someone would come, the sort of "prince in a white horse" thing. The person who would hold me forever, and open my heart. Instead I drew a face in my back, and turned it against everyone. They would never catch a single glimpse of my face, delusioned by such a poorly made illustration of what should be a human being. While I dwelled on fears about how unshamed i was to actually come and try to fool anyone, i did precisely that. I fooled them. And they were indeed such fools. Hiding, and simultaneously asking myself how could anyone be so blind, so careless. But can anyone even see me right now? Have I ever given up old habits?

Doesn't my eyes still sting from the dreadful tearing?
Isn't my jaw still pounding from the pain that came with control?
Aren't I still broken?


Of course i am.
I am. I was. I will be.

But, alas, I always come back to be this thing, this monster.











i want to die. <3