De qualquer maneira, fui substituída, sou sempre substituída. Substituída por sombras em que irás confiar, e que desvanecerão tão rápido quanto o ciclo do amanhecer e anoitecer! Verás!

E virás a chorar, como sempre, á procura de um pouco de compreensão, enquanto que quando eu te dou sinais, quando deito o meu orgulho por terra para rastejar a teus pés a pedir te um simples sinal de carinho, tu voltas os teus olhos pesarosamente noutra direcção, e ignoras-me, desvias-te e afastas-te de mim com um trejeito de repulsa na face, e um tique de nojo no corpo. Serei assim tão subtil que não reparas na maneira como tento pedir a tua atenção afectuosa, ou talvez, serás assim tão ingénua que nada mais vejas na minha cara, senão as marcas da rotina gravadas em cada linha, tal como viste em tantas outras caras?

Porque? ...
Porque não precisas de mim, muito provavelmente.

Gostava de dizer a mim mesma " Não me importo, estou habituada, não é nada de especial porque já passei por isto tantas vezes." e que "A humilhação que sinto é um sentimento rebatido e gasto por mim. " contudo, impeço me incessantemente de o fazer.

De qualquer forma, não interessa, não interesso.

The world... Life even, turns more unbearable, as I recall one of my earliest memories, the one where I cry myself to sleep.

Always silently, I would suffocate the sound of sobbing into the narrow room, in hope no one would ever see such a soft, weak, despicable side. How I hated it.. The thought that someone would ever find out my dark secret. A thing that shouldn't be a secret, that shouldn't be controllable, in certain ways, they were to me. My jaw would hurt for days, while it held on to all the screams i desperately wanted to release into the night, into the world, in hope someone would come, the sort of "prince in a white horse" thing. The person who would hold me forever, and open my heart. Instead I drew a face in my back, and turned it against everyone. They would never catch a single glimpse of my face, delusioned by such a poorly made illustration of what should be a human being. While I dwelled on fears about how unshamed i was to actually come and try to fool anyone, i did precisely that. I fooled them. And they were indeed such fools. Hiding, and simultaneously asking myself how could anyone be so blind, so careless. But can anyone even see me right now? Have I ever given up old habits?

Doesn't my eyes still sting from the dreadful tearing?
Isn't my jaw still pounding from the pain that came with control?
Aren't I still broken?


Of course i am.
I am. I was. I will be.

But, alas, I always come back to be this thing, this monster.











i want to die. <3

2.29

The beats of my heart started to pound painfully in my chest, the imediate second you spoke to me. That small proof I knew I had that you even said, uttered a word towards my presence, blew me away...
Suddenly, my voice didn't seem loud enough to make you hear me, and there were so many words I wanted to say to you..

Words lost in a different past, waiting to be awaken from its deathbed. Rapid words, quick as the lightning, those who could even stab through a heart, but still, they hold a sweet and caring nature, one of peace and love.
I could just feel the flutter of millions of butterfly wings in my stomach, and the world just spun around... and around... and around...




And then it stopped. Abruptly, Completely, Shockingly.
The flutters came back to me as they squished through my guts, like a good punch in the stomach..
Sweet words became sour, became empty, questioning for your cruelty, for your thoughtlessness....
And indeed, questions filled my head. Angry, Sad, Sorrow filled questions.
Why did you do that?
Didn't you think of me all this time?
Why wouldn't you tell me all this time?
Why did you break our unspoken promise?
Why did you destroy this beautiful bond we shared?
Could things have gone differently?
Was it my fault?
Would you come back to me?
Who is she?
Who is this new stealer of hearts?
How did you fall in love with such thief?
Didn't you know you were everything I had left?
Didn't you know I still loved you?



A small hope in the infinite.
But now I have to say goodbye to this tear coloured sky.
I must forget.

Good luck in finding what you must. I mean you no harm, and only the best of life.


Now, let me crawl into my bed, my sheets await me to envolve me into eternal darkness.

Brilha~~

Obrigada. Sem se aperceberem disseram grandes verdades, e ainda agora não se apercebem, mas não é necessário.


Obrigada. Acho que afinal até que compreendem os meus silêncios.
Do fundo do Coração . Não só por hoje, mas também pelo amanhã e o ontem.
Para sempre. Até que toda a mágoa seja apagada.

Mas agora estou cansada e vou dormir. Vou descansar. Vou sonhar.


Iluminem-me no meu caminho, façam brilhar o trilho que sigo cegamente, pois eu farei o mesmo por vós. Acenderei a minha chama apagada, e tornar-me-ei na cópia barata da mais brilhante das estrelas.

Posso não ser real, mas a minha presença permanece lá.